A rock and a hole.
For the last nine months, I have felt like I was living under a rock, unable to breathe or function. You might think that it was virus related, but that’s not the whole story…
Early in the year, I developed a pain in my lower back and leg that got progressively worse. I guessed at the cause, but like most back issues, the trigger seemed small and unimportant. The things that I was completely unable to do varied from week to week and included walking, standing, bending and most devastatingly, sleeping.
I could not lay down for more than an hour and when I did, I would rise in even more pain. There was only one place I could get any relief in my house; a straight back dining room chair. I sat and slept straight up for months, dragging it from room to room.
During this time, I disconnected from everyone and everything. I got lost in my pain and the endless barrage of doctors, specialists, remedies, therapies, shots and pills. It was daunting.
I felt like it was me against the world. Everyone I knew had an opinion. Some were more direct than others, but the message was always the same: “Try this! or Try that!” I did it all even when my gut told me “no”.
What I knew for sure was that I would not submit myself to anything extreme like surgery. In a moment of weakness and desperation, however, I allowed myself to be talked into getting a couple of things done.
After a painful and risky shot in my spine that gave me no results, I stopped listening to the well-intentioned loved ones and “specialists” and began to check in with the only person in the room that really mattered; myself.
I became an ardent student, a researcher and a rabid consumer of all things related to chronic back pain. I checked in with myself, feeling for a “yes” or a “no” as I moved through the endless fountain of information.
I came to learn that all pain is not created equal and that a fair amount of it is not even physical. I firmly set boundaries with my loved ones as I shared what I learned. Because I can sense disapproval a mile away, I requested that they only listen and not to weigh in on my decisions. I was going to listen to my intuition exclusively.
As a result, I am markedly improved. I have pushed away the rock and climbed out the hole. The metaphorical rock that weighed me down was not caused by my chronic pain, the virus or the state of our world; it was caused by the opinions of others, and the fact that I gave them much more value than I gave to my own.
This experience provided me with the opportunity to learn something that I’d like to share:
Trust yourself.
You have all the answers.
No one knows what is right for you except you. Always.
I know this. I believe this. I even teach this. So why did I forget?
When things get rough, (and we have had a heaping helping of bad stuff lately), we get scared. Fear makes us lose our way. We get overwhelmed and go searching for answers outside of ourselves.
This is natural. This is human. It happens to us all.
The next time that you find yourself in the midst of an important decision, I invite you to consider the following:
Gather information from experts, loved ones, and most importantly, from yourself. Check in with YOU and feel for the right answer. Close your eyes and ask “ What is in my best and highest good”. Keep asking until you get the “Goldilocks” response….”ahhhh, just right”.
Be patient. Take the time that you need to allow the answers to bubble up. Before you know it, you’ll be out from under the heavy weight of public opinion and cleared for takeoff….Rockin’ and rollin’ and flying high.
Love,
Mary
A rock and a hole.